Kids being mean to each other is like death and taxes, right? It’s inevitable. I got relentlessly teased in third grade because my legs were skinny. How…clever. Good one third grade meanies! I miss my skinny legs but I don’t miss the teasing. My next post will focus on what to do if your child is the one being mean because it’s just as important. Let’s get to it!
To start, this post is geared towards preschool/elementary aged kids. Toddlers are generally not “mean” on purpose-they just lack any semblance of impulse control and that’s a whole separate post! I’m also not going to dive into bullying in this because it would become the longest blog post in history. If bullying is a concern in your child’s school or environment-here is a great resource. When kids are being mean to your kid, it is painful to watch as a parent because so much of it is out of your hands but it takes such a giant toll on your child and your family. Your child’s behavior will likely change-kids who go through this often become withdrawn, irritable, avoidant, sensitive, sad, or mean towards themselves or others. They may push you away or pull away from you. Don’t let them. If you find that you feel stuck or helpless in getting through it, therapy can help. In the meantime, here are my 5 tips for helping your kid when kids are mean.
~Prevention, prevention, prevention. The first best thing you can do is get ahead of problems to lessen the impact. No matter what, it is super important that your child have a great foundation to fall back on. Positive relationships with family and friends and interests cultivate self-esteem. Your child should be able to identify people that make her feel safe and happy (the more the better!) and things that make her feel good about herself. Find what captivates your child and keep up with it.
~Develop empathy early. It helps kids when they realize that people often act mean because they feel bad themselves. As you read or watch videos with your children, talk about feelings. Look at character’s faces and talk about what it looks like they are feeling- “their eyebrows are scrunched together. I wonder if that means they are mad.” Talk about why they might be mad- “I wonder if they’re mad because their mom yelled at them. What do you think?”. This helps kids internalize causes other than themselves to avoid the trap of “they’re mean to me because there’s something wrong with me”. We want kids to have alternate theories other than immediately blaming themselves.
~Set your kid up for success. For your child to successfully navigate a hard situation, they must be given the tools and resources to do so. If this is occurring at school, how can the teacher help? If it’s sports-what is the coach doing and what about the other parents? What is the environment like, what are the rules, and what is the process for dealing with conflict? Learn as much as you can to make the next tip more realistic.
~Be their teacher. They have to learn and practice any new skill we ask of them. When a child is mean to your child, what do you want them to do? This depends both on the values of your family and the realities of their environment. Whether you want your child to stand up for themselves, walk away, or tell an adult they HAVE to practice this first. Talk to your child and decide on a plan. Role play. If your child is shy or hesitant, use puppets or stuffed animals as props.
~If possible, bring in the other child. Maybe the child who is mean to your child is a family member, the child of a friend, or a child of a close knit group. This should create an easier opportunity to get together with the parent and this child to resolve a problem. If it is a child where you don’t know the parent, or the parent is resistant to getting involved, maybe you can act as the mediator. Use all of your great skills to model working through the problem. That other child needs help too. I just read a quote today in fact: “9 times out of 10 the story behind the misbehavior won’t make you mad, it will break your heart”-Annette Breaux. It’s heartbreaking to watch your child in pain but it’s also heartbreaking to know how many kids out there are in pain as well. May the healing begin.
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